Tag Archives: university of san diego

Twelve Days of Teaching Character and Civility

Seminar: I had just completed my 40-minute talk urging teachers and other school personnel to focus on the character development of students in their classrooms and schools: “What is it?” “Why do we need it?” “Where do we find the time to do it?” “How do we do it?” “How do we know if it’s working or not?”

After the presentation, I opened it up for questions. A middle-grade teacher asked: “For now, I just want to know how to I teach my kids to be civil to one another in and out of my classroom?”

On the FIRST day of classes my mentor said to me:

“You asked me how do you teach students to be civil to one another?”

Character is about relationships – emotional and social. It is about teaching your students skills such as sharing, participating, following directions, and listening. It is about helping them to recognize their own emotions (self-control), how to recognize the emotions in others (listening and questioning), and how to motivate oneself (grit and perseverance). It is about learning how to be a friend, how to care for others, how to appreciate others, how to be polite, respectful, courteous, civil, and how to resolve conflicts peacefully.

On the SECOND day of classes my mentor said to me:

“I want you to think about the implications of this survey and read this article. Notice we are talking about skill development that students can and must learn in your classroom (and elsewhere).”

A survey of 8,000 teachers done at Vanderbilt University identified these top 10 skills that students need to succeed: “Listen to others—follow the steps—follow the rules—ignore distractions—ask for help—take turns when you talk—get along with others—stay calm with others—be responsible for your behavior—and do nice things for others.”

Read: 7 Ways To Teach Children Civility, Matthew Lunch, The EDVOCATE, 2-23-18. He says that “our children desperately need someone to teach them civility and show why it is important.” His seven ways include: 1) manners matter, 2) show tolerance, 3) give examples, 4) listen well, 5) apologize regularly, 6) encourage empathy, and, 7) practice what you preach.

On the THIRD day of classes my mentor said to me:

“We should discuss the curricular and teaching implications of these two studies. The Pew Research Center lays the foundation for your question about how to teach students to be civil.”

They report that of the ten skills Americans say kids need to succeed in life, communication skills, was selected by most of the respondents. In another report about 21^st century skills, respondents noted that there is a need to teach children and youth two very important skills: communication and collaboration. In one sense, these make up a skills curriculum that you and others should be implementing to teach students oral, written, and nonverbal communication skills, including the emotional and social skills that we talked about.

On the FOURTH day of classes my mentor said to me:

“I do not know where I read this—it was in my notes without a reference. The author suggests ways ‘to help students learn to engage in productive, civil discourse in the classroom.’ You might try this with students in your classroom.”

First, begin with yourself—be the model in your classroom.

Second, monitor your classroom climate.

Third, state your dialogue expectations/boundaries clearly from the start. The author notes that the basic rule of civil discourse is to be respectful and don’t make it personal.

Fourth, start small and build as skills develop.

Fifth, have students watch civil debates and begin classroom debates using non-threatening topics.

Sixth, have your students use a “private journaling” strategy in which you provide a debatable statement and have them decide whether or not they strongly agree/agree/disagree/strongly disagree and write out the “why” to their selection.

On the FIFTH day of classes my mentor asked me to try this activity::

“When you get a chance, try out this quotation activity with your students. I hope that after this lesson your students will be able to compare and contrast quotations, find information about the author of each quote, determine the meaning and implications of each quote, write and draw how the quote may apply to what they do and say, and, discuss the meaning of the quotes with classmates, friends, family.”

“Civility includes courtesy, politeness, mutual respect, fairness, good manners, as well as a matter of good health.” —P.M. Forni
“I think civility is important to getting things done.” —Amy Klobuchar
“You can disagree without being disagreeable. “—Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Civility costs nothing, and buys everything.” —Mary Wortley Montagu
“Civility is the art and act of caring for others.” —Deborah King

On the Sixth day of classes my mentor said to me:

“It’s the holiday season. Take a break. Go see the movie A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood. Next, watch a couple of episodes of the TV program Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood.”

Have your students see the movie and a few of the TV programs. Develop a teaching unit and other activities in your classroom that build on a relationship of care (one of FR’s themes). For example, have your students create posters of what Mr. Rogers says to them –followed, of course, by classroom discussion.

“You are lovable. I like you just the way you are. There is only one person like you in the world. You are my friend; you are special.”

On the SEVENTH day of classes my mentor said to me:

“I am a proponent of teaching students the why and how of asking questions. Teaching your students the skills of question-asking helps them clarify what others are saying or doing in a situation. I suggest you access The Right Question Institute and examine their Question Formula Technique, a strategy to teach your students how to formulate their own questions.” (https://rightquestion.org)

On the EIGHTH day of classes my mentor said to me:

“I suggest that you consider being the ‘character education leader’ in your classroom and school. To do that, you should know this about the character development.”

Character is taught to our youth through the media, the Internet, the environment they live in, their peers and role models, and by parents, teachers, schools, youth agencies, and religious institutions.

Character is about strengths and virtues that guide us “to act in an ethical, pro-social manner.” It is about choices—the ones we make daily (good or bad, ethical or unethical); about relationships and social skill; and about “emotional” self-discipline.

On the NINTH day of classes my mentor said to me:

“I want to tell you a story that I read written by 7^th grade language teacher, Justin Parmenter, from Charlotte, N.C. He created an assignment called Undercover Agents of Kindness. He had each student draw a random classmate’s name from a bowl. In pairs, they had two weeks to perform an unexpected act of kindness. Then he had each pair of students write a missions report detailing what they did and how it went. Why don’t you try a similar activity with your students? Maybe call it Mission Civility.”

JP writes: “It was my students’ reflections on the kindness activity that revealed its impact most. Again and again, they acknowledged that it was difficult and felt awkward to approach someone they didn’t know well and do something for them. But almost every time they added that they were proud of themselves for doing it anyway and felt the power in brightening someone else’s day.”

On the TENTH day of classes my mentor said to me:

“I found an interesting article written by Melissa Benaroya titled How to Teach Civility During Divisive Times, Committee for Children, Feb. 24, 2017.”

She writes: “Civility goes beyond being polite and courteous; it involves listening to others with an open mind, disagreeing respectfully and seeking common ground to start a conversation about differences. Acting with civility requires children to be respectful, reflective and self-aware. Learning the skills of perspective taking, empathy and problem-solving helps children understand that their actions and words affect individuals as well as their entire community, encouraging them to rise up and act with civility in tough situations…. By teaching skills like empathy, problem- solving and perspective taking, we can help nurture civility in our children.”

One the ELEVENTH day of classes my mentor said to me:

“Here are four resources to help you teach your students the positive behaviors of being civil and people of good character.”

Nine Lessons on Peer Relationships
Class Meetings: Creating a Safe School in Your Classroom
Behavior Problems in the Classroom: What to know, What to do.
3 Steps to Civil Discourse in the Classroom

On the TWELFTH day of classes my mentor said to me:

“I have three gifts for the new year for you (no, not gold, frankincense, and myrrh). They are PEACE, HOPE, and LOVE!”

Ed DeRoche, Director, Character Education Resource Center, SOLES. USD
12-1-19

Apology, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Love

2 Replies

Last month I read a novel titled, The Hummingbird, by Stephen P Kiernan, (Harper Collins Publishers, 2015). In the book one of the characters asked another “what would be your answer to each of these four questions?”

Is there anyone you need to say ‘I’m sorry’ to?

Is there anyone you need to say ‘I forgive you’ to?

Is there anyone you need to say ‘thank you’ to?

Is there anyone you need to say ‘I love you’ to?

I bookmarked the page saying to myself, “Here is your May Blog – apology, forgiveness, gratitude (thanks), and love.”

I was struck by the power of the four questions and what they say about “reflection” – something I do not think we do often in our classrooms. As you know, ”reflection” is a component in learning, a source of both knowledge and beliefs, and an aspect of critical thinking—looking back on the implications of one’s actions.

I asked a few teachers what they thought about the idea of having students answer these questions about once a month during class-meeting time.

“I like it! What a good way to teach students to reflect on the substance of the questions. I would have them write down their answers and discuss them in class, but only those students who want to do so publicly.”

Another teacher suggested that she would have her students add their own reflective question(s) to the list.

I have written about gratitude (thanks) and love in two previous blogs—November 2018 and February 2019. Before we revisit those two virtues, some commentary about “apology and forgiveness.”

Apology

The question—how does one “apologize?”

“How to apologize can be the key to getting true forgiveness and moving a relationship forward in a positive way,” writes Marlee McKee. McKee offers seven tips for apologizing sincerely and successfully:

Ask for permission to apologize.
Let them know that you realize you hurt them.
Tell them how you plan to right the situation.
Let them know that inherent in your apology is a promise that you
won’t do what you did again.
After you’ve talked through things, formally ask them for forgiveness.
Consider following up with a handwritten note.
Now it’s time for both people to go forth and live out their promises.

https://www.mannersmentor.com/gracious-living/how-to-apologize-the-7-steps-of-a-sincere-apology

Forgiveness

Teaching children “forgiveness” as you may have guessed, is a parent and teacher responsibility. Enright and Fitzgibbons write that “Forgiveness is a virtue hard to exercise and challenging to implement in the face of injustice, but one that offers a concrete hope for peace.”

They recommend “family forgiveness gatherings” at least once a week, such as during mealtimes, to talk about “what forgiveness means, how it feels, and what is easy and hard about.” Here is a strategy that would work in the classroom as well.

Robert Enright, Forgiveness is a Choice (Washington: APA, 2001); Robert Enright and
Richard Fitzgibbons, Helping Clients Forgive (Washington: APA, 2000); cf. International Forgiveness Institute, web-site: www.forgiveness-institute.org

Jamie Perillo, LPC, a child and family psychotherapist and parent educator, offers seven ideas to help parents and teachers get started on teaching children forgiveness. He notes that to forgive is to say, “I do not like your words or actions, but I am willing to let it go because it does not help me to hold onto these feelings.” He suggests that we look beyond the action and explore the person—helping her/him to answer the question: “what triggered the behavior?”

Perillo also suggests that the child (student) should be encouraged to “identify the feeling” he/she is experiencing (anger, embarrassment, disappointment) and then “state the feeling before offering forgiveness.”

We need to teach our children at home and in school that there are usually two or more sides to an issue or problem. “We need to teach our kids to be able to see things from the other side. Forgiving is much easier when we know the whole story and not just half of it. Ask your kids how they would want someone to respond when they did something wrong. They would want to be forgiven. Then tell them to do likewise.”

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-teach-a-child-forgiveness/

Gratitude (Thanks)

In the November blog, I wrote that Robert A. Emmons, Ph.D., the world’s leading scientific expert on gratitude, said: “You literally cannot overplay the hand of gratitude; the grateful mind reaps massive benefits in every domain of life that has been examined so far. There are countless ways in which gratitude could pay off in the workplace” (and in homes and schools).

I wrote that studies have shown that people who experience gratitude and thanks have more positive emotions (joy, love, happiness) and exhibit fewer negative emotions (bitterness, envy, resentment.) The “gratitude experience” also contributes to feelings of connectedness, relationships, and better physical health.

Love

In the “What’s LOVE got to do with it?” blog, I noted that, Barbara Fredrickson, psychologist and author of the book Positivity, discusses “the science of happiness” and ten positive emotions including love.

“Love,” she writes, “comes into play in a close and safe relationship. Love is the most common feeling of positivity and comes in surges. Love fosters warmth and trust with the people who mean the most to us. Love makes us want to do and be better people.”

This might be a good time for you to reflect on each of the four questions and plan your next steps. Take 10 minutes and ask yourself “is there anyone I need to say I’m sorry, I forgive you, I thank you, I love you to?”

Ed DeRoche, Director, Character Education Resource Center, SOLES
May, 2019

Reputation, Relationships, and Responsibility

My First Parent-Teacher Conference

Leave a reply

September Blog 2018
By Ed DeRoche

When I was a kid, my father and mother took me to my first parent-teacher conference. I told them that students did not attend these meetings. “You’re going.” I don’t know why my parents wanted me there because I did not plan to participate in their conversation. But I knew it was a big deal when they dressed up as if they were going to church.

As we waited in the hall to see my teacher, I noticed that other parents were giving me that “What is he doing here?” look. I knew then that all the other fifth-graders would hear about this tomorrow and that I’d be heckled all day long.

The classroom door opened and there stood Ms. James (a first year teacher leading her first parent-conference). She was smiling. I gasped! This was the first time I had seen Ms. James really smile. My friend, Andy, told me that teachers were ordered not to smile until winter break.

Ms. James seemed as nervous as my parents. There they were—three grown-ups, six pairs of eyes looking at me—as I was told to sit in the chair next to Ms. James’ desk, facing my parents. Their looks suggested (maybe demanded) that I pay “attention.”

Ms. James kept smiling as if something very funny was going to happen. I failed to see the humor in having to attend this meeting, but Ms. James seemed to be conveying the message that I was going to benefit from it.

When we were settled in and ready to talk, I noticed that Ms. James glanced at a card on her desk that had printed in big bold letters: Smile and be pleasant.

She handed my parents my report card, smiling. My Father began to breathe heavily and I noticed beads of perspiration on his forehead. My Mother clutched her pocketbook and kept saying, “Not my son! Not my son!” Being as astute as one could be at that age, I immediately sensed that something was wrong. Ms. James turned to me and gave me a “not to worry look.”

The report card went back to Ms. James who said, “Edward could do much better if he tried.” My Father retorted, “We have heard that story for the last four years.” My Mother asked, “Why doesn’t he do well in school?” This question and the possibility that my Mother might cry seemed to fluster Ms. James. I caught her glancing at another card on her desk: Stress pupil’s strengths.

“You must understand,” she said hurriedly, “Edward has a few strong areas on which we can build.” My Father countered, “Obviously school work is not one of them.” Ignoring my Father’s remark, Ms. James noted that I got a good grade in physical education, that all I talked about was sports, but needed to do better in the academic subjects.

My Father agreed and asked Ms. James, ”How do you explain the fact that he is not doing well?” Ms. James didn’t answer the question right away realizing, I think, that there were few strengths to talk about. She immediately checked another card on her desk: Be frank about weaknesses.

I looked at the classroom clock to see how much time we had left. This topic could easily take up most of the conference. I heard Ms. James say that such failures were usually the result of heredity and/or environment, sometimes both. I’m not sure what she meant but my Mother quickly responded that our family tree was loaded with teachers.

Ms. James told my parents that I appeared to be a slow reader, inattentive, a procrastinator (I looked it up when I got home) with limited interests except, of course, in sports. At this point Ms. James noticed that my parents appeared speechless. I don’t know why. Ms. James hit a “home-run” with her description— that was ME! She decided to move on and quickly checked the next card on her desk: Discuss student’s social adjustment.

“Let’s look at the citizenship side of Edward’s report card,” she said. “As you can see Edward appears to be an introvert and his social skills need work.” Another “home- run” for Ms. James! She added, “As you can also see, most of the checkmarks are in the ‘Needs Improvement’ column.” She went on to explain to my parents (and I guess to me as well) that we must get along with everyone, that we do things in groups, that this is our class where everyone is expected to cooperate and help one another.

My Father: “How can Edward learn school subjects if he has to spend time trying to be cooperative?” Ms. James sensed that he didn’t expect an answer and checked the last card on her desk: End conference on a positive note.

Ms. James: “Edward has the potential. I hope all of us can work on that.” There was a long pause. I’m not sure that my parents agreed with her. I don’t think they understood how she came to that conclusion given the information on my report card.

But they had not seen Ms. James in the classroom. She may not smile, but my classmates and I would “swear” to her enthusiasm, her persistence, and her determination in not letting one of us “off the hook.” These days, I think they call it “responsibility.”

The conference ended. As we left the classroom, Ms. James gave me a “thumbs-up” and told my parents that she would keep them informed about my “progress.”

Walking back to our car, I started to worry about my immediate future. Evidently, my mother was worrying about the same thing, saying, “Edward, I just do not know what on earth you’ll turn out to be.”

When we got into the car I asked my Dad to turn on the Red Sox-Yankee game. All I heard were two big sighs. I wondered why.

EDWARD is the Director of the Character Education Resource Center, Department of Learning & Teaching, SOLES, University of San Diego.